I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.