I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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What woman say right before they kill you:
I’m not mad.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?
What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!
Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.