I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.


What woman say right before they kill you:

No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.


Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!


Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?


The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon


I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”


Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it


Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?


If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?


What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!

Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.