I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
#polloftheday
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My new favorite headline
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.