@Ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

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@rockymomax

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@portmanteauface

I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses

@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big country fan

ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large

@FredTaming

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen