I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
channeling her this year
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*