Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol
ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn
What number SPF blocks people?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Him: “What’s your body count?”
Me: “For what?”
Him: “People you’ve slept with…”
Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”