I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Time for evil
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.