ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.
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FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.
Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.
But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.