I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
shampoo implies shampee