@Anna_Ficco1

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.

You Might Also Like

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@VisionBored1

FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.

@Shesnotkiddin

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

@free_mattress

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@MaybePileJokes

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@TomE83_

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.