I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.

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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.


COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.


You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.


1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM


God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.


10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny


I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.