@Anna_Ficco1

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.

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@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

@LizHackett

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

@LuvPug

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

@joeheenan

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

@pineapplepleas

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.