“i never metadata i didn’t like” -NSA

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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.


Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”


Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.