Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“i never metadata i didn’t like” -NSA
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Don’t snitch tag.
It’s 2020. You have a favorite brand of vaccine.
“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.