Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.