I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.

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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white


Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.


Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.


My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it’s where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.


That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.


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