NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Not my job 😂
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight