Which wines pair best with gloating?
You Might Also Like
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?