A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.
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Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!
*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..