*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You Might Also Like
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
the answer was staring at me all along
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
😂😂
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.