I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
May have had one breakfast too many
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.