I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?