I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.