Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size