I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

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Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.


There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.


HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd


I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.


I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”


Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.


Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.


It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.


Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size