@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

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@weinerdog4life

Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.

@daddydoubts

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@cathisamazing

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@GregDorris

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

@ClichedOut

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size