I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.