@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

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@Coolisiana

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

@brendanmcginley

The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

@InternetHippo

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

@NrouteHQ

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left