@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

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@Andrea__B__

So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons

@WilliamRodgers

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@RandomAntics

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

@dreamthievin

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

@SoulYodeler

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

@SuperTeeWhy

[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]

“Son, when-”

*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*

“Know what, we’re good”

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@donquixote229

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?