Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.
Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left