I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it