I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Sunday
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”