@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

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@Sassafrantz

Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you

@Spaziotwat

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

@coketruck76

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists:”How can we stop the rising oceans
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):”Pull all those big whales out.

@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?