Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
That took me a moment.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance