I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
This is not me but this is me
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.