I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
You Might Also Like
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Wednesday
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner