@abbycohenwl

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

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@Shade510

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@patsajak

I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity

@ShittyComedian

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

@SentenceReduced

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

@pbear79

I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…

“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”

@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

@panmidwest

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

@Shen_the_Bird

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

@Ygrene

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day