I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
when dads have a rap battle
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
fixed it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep