I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied