What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”
Please send help!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.