@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@billingsley313

My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@ElleOhHell

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

@Fred_Delicious

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”

“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”

“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

@BruceForce

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.