I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude


My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.


Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.


The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons


“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”


“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”


Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.