@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

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@UncleDuke1969

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

@KentWGraham

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

@sammynickalls

ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

@midtownrat

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

@NewDadNotes

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.