@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

You Might Also Like

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@WhaJoTalkinBout

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

@farleftcoast

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?

@TheToddWilliams

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

@senderblock23

BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you