“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break