@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

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@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

@slaughthie

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@VivaVeronica122

My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.

@flashember

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

@krishna_van

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.

@AnkCoupleTO

I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.