“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.