I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?