I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago