@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@moxieblogger

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

@raniao2011

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Traffic..

The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.

@Holy_Mowgli

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn