Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You Might Also Like
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.
(Me to my fridge)
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Autocorrect will be the dress of me