Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}