I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”