I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Watermelon Boss!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?