I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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Animal poetry
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.