@Sanbel11

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

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@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

@moron_online

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@cbdoubleu

Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]