If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Her: I like risk takers
Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]