I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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that colleague who touches your screen
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Is your wife single?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese