I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
accurate
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.