I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.