I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe