I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.