Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.