@trims_the_fat

I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.

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@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@li4mst3w4rt

friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*

@just1fool

Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.

@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

@drayzze

I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.

I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.

@SonOfCha

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..