I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.


My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?


wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight


t-shirt is short for “television shirt”


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?