I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My family tree is a Cactus……..
Full of pricks !
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?