Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You Might Also Like
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Every single time. 😫
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.