I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

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Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?


Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*


When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.


[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot


sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana


When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question


Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.