I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
is it earth
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: