I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Every. Damn. Time.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL