I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car