@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

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@Kevaclysm

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@Dawn_M_

I stepped on two raccoons today, but I’m just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.

@AmishPornStar1

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@Jenn_H_Scott

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

@ilovecuredmeats

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time