Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I stepped on two raccoons today, but I’m just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Daisy: how are you
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
It’s lunch time