I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Strangers have the best candy.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.