i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*gets down on one knee*
I thought this was funny lol
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right