I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
#SaturdayBears
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.