@distracdad: Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad. Satellite tv installer: How bad? Dads: REALLY bad Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad? Dads: Installer: Dads: YES

@nursemella: *pops the hood* "Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt" .. Umm r u sure you work here? *lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@givesnoerection: I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@BoogTweets: Me: I really think we should hide the body Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works

@juliussharpe: Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.