@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

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@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@MBittersweet25

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

@jonnysun

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

@Gorilla_Turd

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@FlyJ_

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

@AbbyHasIssues

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost