I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.
Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*
“Hey, a little help here?”
Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!