I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.