@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

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@deedles420

I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

@LuckyToken1

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

@redlipshun

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@RandiLawson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

@Mardigroan

*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!