Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.