I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
This hospital has everything
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…