I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.